Being Vulnerable, being Man

As a male, allowing myself to be vulnerable has been an ongoing choice that I have been learning to understand, accept and practice for some years now. Would I profess to be an expert? No at all. My experience is my guide here, and my desire for more men to be supported in showing their true selves is what motivates me.

What I hope with what I write, is that you can connect these words to your heart and not just your intellect.

What does it mean to be a vulnerable male?

Why should it matter to you to take this question and apply it to yourself? It may not matter at all, that’s okay, I’m not here to preach at you. If it does matter, it means the difference between fully connecting with yourself, people and life, or continue to experience presenting a shell of yourself, that suppresses you.

In a male sense, vulnerability generally means the fear to show weakness because it doesn’t fall into the stereotype of how a man should be – be strong, stop being a sissy, crying like a girl come to mind as some of the comments that shape our expectations of how we should be as a man. What this does, especially for young boys, is separate who they really are and what they feel, from what they think they should feel and be. I could never quite feel right about this as a male growing up. It seemed that many of my own feelings and responses were not how a real man should feel or respond i.e. wanting to cry, immense shame, not knowing how to be with girls – the list goes on. Is it any wonder that when we grow up we can feel completely lost when our responsibilities increase, and we are supposed to be mature men? When in fact it is likely that our emotional life is still influenced by that little boy inside of us still wondering how wrong he feels.

As we have developed the ability to be invulnerable, we may seek other ways of seeking solace – alcohol, drugs, sex, career ambition, or collecting stuff. Whatever it is that we do to show that we are strong and successfully male, will eventually create even more suffering for us in some way. Not allowing yourself the ability to feel the feelings that you think of as weakness in itself becomes isolating and disconnects that part of us that desperately wants to be heard, acknowledged and accepted. Further alienating us from those around us.

Being hurt, failing, emotionally suffering are real emotional experiences, but many men believe it is wrong to feel this way, and that they can’t ask for help because it is not what we do as a man. To start, you have to be vulnerable with yourself: allowing yourself to experience your need, your pain, your imperfections, by letting go of the self judgment of what you see as your weaknesses. It takes personal courage to look inwards and see yourself warts and all. But not just see – accept it all, love it all and have compassion for it all. That is also a part of you, that makes you, you.

It takes courage to show yourself to the world. It takes courage to share your ‘deep stuff’ with another man. There is a risk, but that risk is worth it for your emotional and physical health.

There is strength in being vulnerable, because once you are, there is nothing to hide that you feel can weaken you. When you hide yourself and close your heart what is left is only force and effort. Being strong doesn’t have to mean closing yourself down and pushing through, that is force. Force is about resisting something, and in this case force is resisting yourself and what you really feel and experience. That gets tiring and affects your health in the long run.

I believe that there is a need for men to start to learn a different language about how to be with each other and in the world. I believe that many men suffer in silence because they feel that is their only choice. That is being a man. Now a choice has been presented to you, that you no longer have to hold onto what you see as weakness. Allowing what you see as your weakness to be acknowledged will empower you to become more present, more real and more aware of yourself and your place in the world.

Photo courtesy of Tom Pumford on Unsplash

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